i've made mistakes. big ones. mistakes that hurt people i really cared about. i hope, someday, that those people will forgive me. because i know that there is a future there and i can't live with the thought that i gave it up.

i've known a girl for a while. she's a special girl. there's a spark inside her, an interest in the world, and a genuine goodness to her. but i hurt her badly. i didn't mean to but i did. it was careless and wrong. but i did it. and i've spent the last two years wishing i hadn't and for the chance to make up for it.

i'm going to take a chance this february and see if i can. she means so much to me and she doesn't even know. i'm leaving this feb, but i can't take off until i've told her. that while i only know her through the internet and my own perceptions of her beauty, i've fallen for her in way that i've never felt before.

what will she say. how will she react if i just leave again? but she must know how much she means to me.

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second thought of the night is that i get some enjoyment out of the fact that my profile reads "no friends" and i am only slightly over the 5 out of 10 mark for being interesting. if this shaded, black and white snapshot of my life is interesting to anyone then that in itself is a complement to humanity's interest in the world.

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tonight was a good night. you ever had those conversations that just go on and on and before you know it you've been talking for an hour and a half? i had one of those tonight. so refreshing. nothing like connecting with someone like that. we spend all our time in our own little worlds. our short everyday interactions are so tinted by the circumstances and our self-perceptions. but you can't talk to someone that long without connecting in some way. at some point both people let down their guard and open up. man i love that feeling.

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Dang blastit. been talking to this girl but she is sorta drifting. i guess i deserve it and it may be a good thing. still i miss the chatting...

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to ethnic food.

oh man. my english, scotish and irish ancestors had no idea what they were doing in the kitchen. sure, they can make a good scotch. and don't get me wrong, a good scotch is quite a thing. but come on, english food? eennnnngggglish foooood? english food:(. just stay away from it. scotish and irish, not much better. and us, well, we're just one of their colonies and as such our food ain't much better. that is, until we started eating food from other places. chinese, mexican, thai, vietnamese, japanese, indian, all the other asian foods. does it get any better? mmmmmmmm. i guess europe does have a few foods to offer. spanish tapas can be great (but some are horrible as is spanish food in general), mmm, french food, mmmm, swiss chocolate and fondue. germany, your sausages are good i guess but not quite up there with the others.

but in short, asia kicks the rest of our collective butts when it comes to food. if you don't think so, well, i'm almost certain that you don't live in a place where there are many asian people. cause people, really, if you've had good asian food, you know, there's really nothing else like it. except great french food. oh, and california quisine is the bomb. and fish, oh fish.

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oh nature. i was just talking about you. is there anything better? well, a few things. more on that later...

just got out of a great conversation with an old friend. people around me (i'm in about the most matreialistic place you can imagine) simply don't get it. there's friendship, there's love, there is beauty and there is nature. these are the great pillars of life. and they all interact. or at least they should. ultimately, i think that love is the most important. but nature, oh nature. i love you. you're so under-rated. especially around here.

really people, have you ever sat on top of a mountain? ever sat on a beach at sunset? ever stood in knee deep water at sunset? do you know the smell of a grassy field? aw, if your answer is no to any of these you are one of many. but you are also missing out on so much that life has to offer. makes me so sad to see people around me that don't get out. and i mean get out out. not go to clubs/bars. i mean get out into the world. to a place where you can look at nature and see the beauty that has been there all along. the beauty that has nothing to do with style of time.

go do it. you know you'll appreciate it.

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